Revisiting the Goops

Is courtesy in trouble?

My friend, Dawn C., has an expression that I really like. If she asks a question during a conversation, she often adds, "Any answer's okay—just give me one." I like it because it's an invitation to engage in common courtesy by offering some kind of response to an inquiry. I have been thinking a lot lately about how often people don’t respond directly to simple questions. This is just one example of what seems to be an erosion of basic courtesy in our daily lives.

It's the minor discourteous actions that bother me the most: loud whispers during a live performance, no responses to texts or email, stolen parking spaces, constant interruptions in conversation, cutting in line for a busy ladies' room. Recently, I was the victim of this last infraction. Two tiny, elderly, and assertive women insinuated themselves into an extremely long line for the ladies’ room right in front of me. No one said anything, but there were quite a few nasty looks. We all had to go to the bathroom and were waiting patiently for one of the paltry number of stalls to become available. I think that the next time something like this happens, I am going to look at the perpetrator(s) and ask, "Are you always like this?" Would it make them reconsider their actions? I think it's better than saying, "What's wrong with you?"

Lately, I’ve been working on several projects that all require responses from people to whom I send emails or texts. But as often happens, I send a text or email—and nothing. Do I send it again? Or do I, oh gee, call them? Perhaps the lack of response could be because we get so many messages by email or text. And yes, it can be exhausting to sift through loads of emails, but it takes two seconds to just tell someone that you can't respond at the moment. Maybe it's an expression of rebellion to not respond? You have to admit that email and texting could be characterized as passive-aggressive by nature. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines passive aggressive as "an indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation...." The "indirect" component is always in play, whether conscious or not.

Courtesy is defined as respectful and considerate behavior to others. It's as simple as that. Growing up, both my parents were pretty big in the courtesy enforcement department. One of the first lessons in manners that I remember my mother teaching me was that if you walk in between two people or between a person and something they’re looking at, you should say, "Excuse me." I still do this, particularly when I am in a store crowded with merchandise. Many people look surprised when I say this before I reach in front of them to grab a grocery item, but I think it's important to do.

We had a book in our family called Goops: And How to Be Them. It was an old book, originally published in 1900. It was created by the artist, art critic, poet, author, and humorist Gelett Burgess. Using rhymes and simple line drawings, the book humorously describes the unmannerly behaviors of the Goops. The Goops look vaguely as if they’re from outer space (a few of them are pictured above). Here is one example describing the Goops at the dinner table.

TABLE MANNERS — 1.

The Goops they lick their fingers,

And the Goops they lick their knives;

They spill broth on the tablecloth —

Oh, they lead disgusting lives!

The Goops they talk while eating,

And loud and fast they chew;

That is why I'm glad I am not a Goop — are you?

Now, don't you think that a timeless message is presented here? We have all been Goops at one time or another. My mother often used the Goop Book to address our egregious behaviors when we were kids. It must have helped to have a handy reference. When I decided to revisit the world of the Goops, I couldn't find our old book, so I Googled the title. What came up first was goop, Gywneth Paltrow's "modern lifestyle brand” website featuring items for purchase such as vagina-scented candles and the custom vibrators “of your dreams." I found myself immediately wondering what the Goops might think of such interesting products. Items like these could provide a whole new “naughty” dimension for the Goops to explore. Although, because their exploits are described in verse, it would be challenging to find words that rhyme with “vagina” and “vibrator.”

I realize that I am a little old-fashioned when it comes to manners. I believe in the basics: saying please and thank you, keeping elbows off of the table, replying to emails, writing thank-you notes, looking people in the eye and giving a firm handshake when meeting, or apologizing for offending someone. I know that I’m a little odd because I even apologize to the plants in my garden when I inadvertently step on them or dig them up by mistake. I'm not kidding. However, I must admit that there have been times when I have fallen short of my own standards. For example, it took me a year and a half to write thank-you notes for gifts after my wedding. I am not sure what was going on, but at least I eventually completed the task.

There are those who argue that so many incivilities today are the result of a crazy, busy world full of distractions and fueled by the insidious layer of narcissistic social media platforms. We want to believe that there must be good reasons for people to behave the way they do. The other day, my friend Sarah L. and I were having lunch at a place we regularly go to. Our waitress, Carmen (who is a very sweet person and an excellent server), was enduring abuse from the people at the table next to us. They were obnoxiously complaining about the food, the service, the décor—you name it. After they left, we asked Carmen what their problem was, and she replied, "Maybe something is making their lives difficult right now, and they’re acting out.” Or, my friend and I offered, "Maybe they’re just assholes?"

I don't believe that most people are assholes, but I think that our awareness and acknowledgement of other people’s feelings has really diminished. It would be great if we could simply be more respectful of one another and behave as decently as possible when communicating with someone. You could think of it as a mindfulness exercise: pause, be present, listen, and look at the person in front of you (or on your screen). Stick with the basics, and really, any answer is okay—just give me one!